Forever Is Now by Mariama J. Lockington

Author:Mariama J. Lockington
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux (BYR)

* * *

When Mom finds me a few hours later,

I’m half-dressed—wearing jeans

and a bra, sitting in the middle of my floor

crying so hard I can’t breathe.

Without a word Mom puts down her bag,

and sits down next to me.

Can I hug you, Sadie?

I nod, because that’s all I can do.

And as soon as the weight of Mom’s

arms is around me I crumple into them.

Mom smells faintly of cat pee

and antiseptic

but also like lavender and shea butter.

I can’t remember the last time

she held me like this,

and it feels good.

Grounding.

After a long silence,

my breathing calms

and Mom lets go of me.

She fluffs my afro,

and then lifts my chin to meet her eyes:

Sometimes we just need a good cry, Sadie.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

Do you feel better?

I do feel slightly better

But not in the way

I think she means.

This is more than just a “good cry.”

This is my agoraphobia.

I’m not okay. I’m really trying,

but I’m not okay.

Now, what top are you planning to wear?

We’ve still got some time.

Mom jumps up,

starts to sift through my clothes.

How about this one?

I love the way you look in purple.

Why don’t you throw this on

and go have a snack?

I’m going to take a quick shower

then we can go.

I’m shaking my head no,

but Mom doesn’t seem to see.

I promise, Sadie.

Everything is going to be fine.

Charlie really wants the whole family there.

Can you try to do this, for him?

Sometimes we have to fake it

until we make it.

It’s not fair—but it’s life.

And here we are again.

This is what I tried to tell Dr. Candace.

I’m not enough.

I AM hard to love.

And Mom doesn’t get it at all.

I CAN’T, OKAY?!

My roar is so loud

it shakes the house.

Then I’m crying again.

Mom stands frozen,

with the purple shirt in her hand.

Her face a blur of emotion.

You don’t get it,

I say softer.

I feel like I’m dying,

a little death each day.

I feel so heavy.

So full—and empty all at once.

I don’t want to feel like this

But I do.

I’m not ready.

I can’t.

Sadie—

I just don’t know how to help you,

Mom says in a whisper.

You’re my little girl—

and I want you to be—

Not a mess!

Yeah, I get it, Mom.

But I am. This is me right now.

That’s not what I said.

You didn’t need to.

I know that’s how you feel.

These final words

must knock the wind out of Mom

because she doesn’t say anything else.

She just kisses my forehead,

and walks out of my room.

I hear her shower,

but instead of the front door locking,

moments later, I

hear her

on the phone,

talking in a hushed tone:

Malik—I’m worried about leaving her

alone right now.

I know—just film everything, okay?

I’m so sorry, honey.

And that’s how

neither Mom

nor I

attend Charlie’s showcase.

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